Let me start off by saying that I write this confession under duress. My dogs are standing over me, giving me the hairy eyeball. If they could cross their arms, they would, but at least they have managed to perfect their glares of disdain.
They see me visit the dog shaming website all the time, and watch me laugh at the various pictures of dogs being forced to pose with signs explaining what they’ve done, such as destroying things and peeing on stuff. They’ve long maintained that this dog shaming is passive aggressive on the part of humans, because dogs were put on this earth to destroy things and pee on stuff, so they shouldn’t have to be humiliated for acting true to type.
They also feel that this website perpetuates an unfair, unspoken rule: When it doubt, blame the dog. This gets dogs the world over accused of things that they very likely did not do. They are found guilty with no proof at all. Just because there’s shredded toilet paper throughout the house, blaming the dog with no further evidence would not hold up in a court of law (say my dogs). And yet the shaming continues, and I continue to laugh.
So the other day when I lost my $250 dental night guard and tore the house apart looking for it, I must confess I turned to my dogs and said, “Did you eat my night guard? I swear to God if I find parts of it lying around, I’m going to turn you into furry little toilet seat covers!”
Later that day when I found my night guard in its case in the bathroom, right where it should have been all along, I didn’t even apologize for threatening their lives. And this wasn’t the first time I’ve done this. I really do have a lot of nerve.
So in the spirit of turnabout being fair play, and in order to avoid having a little present left in my shoe, I submit this picture as exhibit A.