Self-Abuse

True confessions: When I’m angry, frustrated, upset, or feeling helpless, I either eat or spend money or both. I don’t need to be hungry or in need of something. I just do it. I know this about myself. I know it even as it’s happening. But I can’t seem to stop. (What a First World problem to have, right?)

After a recent, really, really bad day, I ordered three Japanese Maple trees (one yellow, one orange, and one red) and one Weeping Blue Atlas Cedar for my new yard. To the tune of $250. I have the money, but I really ought to spend it on something that’s a higher priority right now. This was not the wisest budgeting decision.

Yes, I’ve always wanted these trees. They’ll look great. They’ll result in less mowing and more privacy. But I only ordered them because I was pissed off.

It’s really rather interesting that when I’m angry or upset with someone or something else, it’s me whom I punish. I either spackle the fat directly to my hips or fire a cannon ball directly at my finances. Better to do that, I reason, than lash out at someone else or actually be assertive for a change.

This is not healthy. And in the end, it really doesn’t make me feel any better. I berate myself. I lecture myself. I take myself on an epic guilt trip. And I pay. Oh, do I pay, in so many ways. And yet, I’ll do it again, no doubt.

Don’t get me wrong. Most of my shenanigans aren’t at the $250 level. I actually have stellar credit. Usually It’s more like a late night drive to Wendy’s for about 1800 calories worth of junk food and the accompanying regret. But it’s still self-destructive.

It could be worse. I kind of understand people who cut themselves. I just don’t like pain. Or blood. Or awkward explanations. So I cover myself in a layer of fat and financial stress instead.

Even so, I really am looking forward to planting those trees…

Cedrus_libani_ssp._atlantica_'Glauca_Pendula'_02_by_Line1
Weeping Blue Atlas Cedar. Needless to say, mine will be much smaller.

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2 thoughts on “Self-Abuse

  1. Angiportus

    Don’t blame yourself for the fat. It’s got a whole bunch of causes not sorted out yet, but only a small part has to do with snacking.
    I’d thought you’d have something to say about this crazy weather. Me, I don’t like the heat, but the lighting effects are wild. Yesterday morn I watched the east turn from gray to pink and then out came a fantastic red-hot ball… Same thing as in 2015 only the fires were in Cal. I just hope Mom’s place, in Skagit county, remains safe.

    1. The heat is sucking the life out of me, so I can’t work up the energy to talk about it. At least, not yet. I have to take some responsibility for the fat when I take in 1800 calories in one sitting. But yeah, there’s
      a host of other factors, too.

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