Mammogram Scare

It happened to me again this year. I had my annual mammogram and I got this emotionless, clinical letter afterwards that basically said they might have found something, so they want me to come in so they can take another look. This never fails to freak me out.

You see, breast cancer is a poisonous canker that runs throughout my family tree, threatening to rot away entire branches and spread throughout the system. Because of that I’ve been getting mammograms since I was 19 years old. Better to be safe than sorry.

The beauty of this is that even in my most under-insured of times, these procedures have not cost me a penny, because insurance companies, for once using some common sense, realized long ago that it is cheaper to provide these mammograms than it is to treat someone’s breast cancer.

But now even that is under threat, because a recent study has come out that seems to conclude that mammograms aren’t effective. They say that out of 100,000 women, they detected “only” 122 more incidences of breast cancer than routine breast exams did.

122 women with another chance at life. That, to me, is significant. That, to me, is worth it. But from a clinical, emotionless point of view, apparently not.

The problem with this study is that it involved mammograms spread out over well over a decade, and mammogram technology has improved greatly during that time. Another HUGE problem with the study is that some women will read about it and think, “Whew! That’s a load off. I never liked getting those things. Now I’ll just skip it.” And they might be one of the ones who could be saved by this exam.

Another problem is that if you don’t think about it carefully, you might mistakenly conclude that mammograms detected breast cancer in ONLY 122 women out of 100,000 and that is not the case at all. They detected the same number as breast exams did, PLUS an additional 122. And it doesn’t say how many of those women were lazy about breast exams and would not have been detected otherwise.

According to Susen G. Komen for the Cure, it is estimated that in 2014 in America, 232,670 new cases of breast cancer will be detected, and 62,570 new cases of in situ breast cancer will be detected. There will also be 40,000 breast cancer deaths. That’s scary. That is a reason to take any type of prevention seriously.

A mammogram might take an hour or so out of your year, but it could give you your entire life. I like those statistics. I’d rather gamble on that than the lottery any day.

So I did go back and get re-examined. And it turned out that all is well. That’s me heaving a heavy sigh of relief until this time rolls around again next year. Worth it? Oh yes.

[Image credit: ymcastlouis.org]

Breasts. Do I have your Attention?

Guys, I’ve no doubt that your search engines directed you here and you had high hopes, but move along. There’s nothing to see. This is going to be a frank and unsexual discussion about living with the human mammary gland.

Ladies, we all know that the day to day possession of breasts is not particularly glamorous. They’re there. They make your seatbelt choke your neck. They are often elbowed in elevators. They cause you to lose eye contact with tactless men. And there’s a reason that models tend to have flat chests. Most clothes just do not look good with too much topography.

And I have a theory that the mammogram was invented by a man to torture women. This very necessary test is an unpleasant inconvenience at best, and excruciatingly painful at worst. But it has to be done, because if you think mammograms are bad, try breast cancer some time.

And if you are like me and are overly well endowed, you are the envy of all your flat-chested female friends. I want to shake them. Do you really envy back, neck and shoulder pain, sagging in your later years, having to special order your bras and pay $50.00 for each one? Do you really wish you were constantly sexualized and stared at even on days when you’re not in the mood for it? If I could yank these things off and give them to you, I gladly would.

And before you get breast enhancements, please, please, PLEASE do your homework. Read up on all the horrific health implications, dangers, and complaints. Anyone who tries to tell you this is not a major, life changing surgery is delusional. And any man who tells you he will prefer you with these masses of foreign material in your chest clearly doesn’t love you for who you are, and no amount of silicone is going to change that.

This is one occasion when I’m not including a photo with my blog entry, because all those people whose search engines directed them here for all the wrong reasons do not deserve a cookie.

Who Was the First Person to Think Lobster Would be Good to Eat?

Don’t get me wrong. I love lobster. I’d slap my mama for some lobster right now. But I’m trying to imagine the first lobster/human encounter. Here’s this ugly, spider-like thing with these big claws. How crazy would you have to be to say, “Let’s eat this bug-like creature!” I have similar thoughts about clams and oysters, artichoke, liver, haggis, peppers, and anything that requires fermentation.

I’d also like to meet the first guy who thought rappelling off a cliff was a good idea. Actually, anything that involves rope is kind of a sketchy proposition. Tightrope walking, window washing, rock climbing…someone had to be the first person to do all these things.

And imagine this conversation: “Mr. Smith, your heart is kaput. But I have this idea that I’ve been dying to try. Let’s replace it with the heart of a pig and see what happens.” And there is actually still a trepanation advocacy group, because lord knows we’d all be better off with holes drilled in our heads. And I’m convinced that mammograms had to have been invented by men. And what kind of a sick individual came up with electroshock therapy?

How would you like to have been the first person to get a tattoo or a piercing? And that Chinese foot binding thing? Please!

Humans. You gotta love ‘em.